Our week started off with highs and lows. The exciting news was that according to Aiden’s doctor, there is no clinical reason why he cannot move to Nanaimo NICU next week once he turns 32 weeks. We will still have to wait for a spot to open up but this is one big step closer to getting home, and a lot easier on us with me being able to return home. And well I guess my parents can celebrate to because it means the dogs can come back home to and they no longer have to have 4 dogs! They have been taking care of the dogs for the past month as it was just to challenging and they were being left long hours and not getting the attention they deserve.

The rough part was because Aiden hasn’t gained weight nicely, the doctors upped him to 15ml of HMF. His tummy does not handle it well. The first night was horrible. He farted, arched his back and cried and fussed off and on for 2 hours while i was holding him. It’s so hard to watch him struggle like that. When I left, I told the nurse to call me during the night if he was still really uncomfortable and I would come back. Sometimes they settle once in the incubator in the quiet and dark and other times they stay fussy. Luckily Aiden settled and that night was the worst by far. Each day he got a bit better, less gassy and less unhappy. I got my morning and evening smiles most days and it sure makes me feel better.

Now the good thing about the HMF and the reason they give it to babies is it helps them gain weight. Aiden gained 199g this week and is now 1345g or 2.97lbs! You can really see the little fat layer starting to form, his body is more full and his face has changed. This is really where Aiden is at right now, it’s all about weight gain so this gain is very important. The other important thing is because he gained an average of 28g/day he does not have to be increased to 20ml of HMF. I’m sooo happy about this because they becomes a point where his body is fighting against it and what is the benefit / loss ratio when it not agreeing with them.

Aiden was going to try coming off air support on his 31st week day but he had a rough gassy today so we all decided it was best to try again the next day – so stay tuned to next weeks blog for the outcomes of that.

Aiden’s visits now all included .2ml of milk dripped onto my finger for him to suck. He’s getting a much strong suck, and I can’t wait to try breast feeding.. hopefully soon. He is so alert when we come in. I am learning that he is not a morning person just like his momma. If hes still asleep when you go in, i talk to him and let him slowly wake up. If i just start taking his temp and changing his diaper he gets very unhappy! This little man has a strong personality! We still go for the same amount of time each day. Its important for Aiden to have rest and quiet time for his growth and development. Once he starts breast feeding I will be there a lot more.

One thing I haven’t really talked about is the struggle to produce milk. Talk to almost every mom in the NICU and producing milk is the hardest thing. Milk production is such a complex process and when you don’t have your baby, and didn’t start with a baby on your breast right after delivery things get very tricky. Your body knows you don’t have a baby on you, and you’re trying to trick it into believe that a breast pump is the same as a baby. Your brains pretty smart and it knows the difference. So we all talk of the things we are trying; tinctures, drugs, foods, acupuncture, massage, power pumping, meditation – you name it we’ve tried it. I’ve also been very set on never feeding formula. I am very against processed foods and believe that my breast milk is the best thing that I can feed my child and I will try and provide that for him at all costs. Since Aiden was 3 days old I have been pumping every 3 hours around the clock. 1am, 4am, 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm, my alarm goes off. Everywhere I go, my pump comes to… they told me not to carry anything heavier than my baby… well i think my pump, and water bottle weight more than Aiden did when we was born. I got to acupuncture with my pump; I go to the grocery store with my pump.. its like my best worst friend.

Its a very slow process trying to increase milk supply. Each session I log how many milliliters I get in my book, watching for an increase, anything that caused a decrease. I slowly see an improvement, but its so challenging. There’s no quick solution. I keep trying different things and being completely distracted or meditating seems to help a bit. Giving Aiden my milk is the only thing I have control of in Aiden’s life right now and the only thing i can do for him, and I’m going to do that, no matter how exhausted i am, and if i ever hear that alarm go off again after this… lets just say i will forever think of pumping when i hear that sounds.

I can not wait for the day that i actually get to breast feed my son. Maybe then I will actually get full boobs, but for now I celebrate the few mL increases that I get. As long as I can stay ahead of him I’m ok. With the doctors focusing on Aidens’ weight his feeding amount goes up almost every other day, so it’s very challenging to not put pressure on yourself. The other mental challenge is the weight gain that comes along with all of this. I’m eating high calories – oats, brewers yeast, flax, hemp, protein, greens, whole grains – but you need to eat frequently and I notice the better pumps when you eat the lactation cookies between sessions. The thing is this is all high caloric food which is great when your producing 100 + ml a session, but when i’m finally hitting the 40’s you can see the weight slowly come on. I have struggled a lot with self image in the past and I am fighting myself from going there. This is all about Aiden, not me. To help my mind I have started walking to and from the hospital twice a day. It’s only 10 min away but my 40 minutes of walking and fresh air a day is helping me to stay ok.

My new mantra is it’s not about me its about Aiden. It’s what’s best for him whether I like it or not.